Taming the Manipulating Tongue

Then Delilah pouted, "How can you say you love me when you don't confide in me?  You've made fun of me three times now, and you still haven't told me what makes you so strong!"

Judges 16:15 NLT

Manipulate v. to control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfailry, or unscrupulously.  to alter (data) or present (statistics) so as to mislead.

That manipulating tongue has been getting us in trouble since the garden!  First that wiley serpent introdueces us to it and we decide to run with it.  Eve influenced Adam to eat the forbidden fruit also.  Sarah convinced Abraham to take Hagar and produce an heir (and boy did that backfire-but that's another topic!).  Jacob manipulated Esau (with some definate help from mommy, dearest!).  Laban manipulated Jacob for many years. And those are just examples from Genesis! 

Manipulation, like most sin, boils down to a simple thing, selfishness.  We want what we want no matter what.  Sarah wanted a baby so bad that rather than wait for God's timing she tried to force the issue.  Jacob wanted to be daddy's favorite and inherit everything so much that he robbed his brother.  In the long run he ended up sacrificing years of his life in servitude because of his choices.  When we only think of self in never works out well in the long run and we inevitably end up hurting someone close to us.

After all, we tend to manipulate only those who are close to us.  A stranger isn't going to trust that our deception is true.  We first have to have an emotional connection to a person in order to manipulate them, which makes this such a heinous sin.  I say this not with a finger pointing at you, but pointing at us.  I too have been guilty of manipulation.

So what does manipulation look like?  It can be in the form of a threat - if you don't do what I want you to then I won't give you something you want in return.  Let's be honest here, an area that we tend to really shine (in a not so good way) is the sexual manipulation.  We are warned not to withhold sexual relations with our spouse without mutual consent (1 Corinthians 7:5).  We are also told not to let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26).  God knows we are going to have disagreements, but he also knows the damage that can be caused in a marriage if we withhold ourselves from each other due to anger.  Don't let this form of manipulation destroy what God has joined together!

Another form of manipulation is guilt - if you really loved me you would.  Or even better, I have done so much for you, why can't you do this little thing for me?  You are telling that person that your wants and desires are more important that them.  When we proclaim that we follow Christ, that we chose to be Christ-like, we proclaim that we are no longer first.  Jesus came to serve others, not to be served (Mark 10:44-45).  We are told to be as a slave.  How many slaves do you know that put their own wants and desires above that of their masters?  I couldn't think of even one.

I totally get the desire to manipulate.  It tends to come from a desire to control.  We want to be large and in charge!  But here is what I discovered.....that need to be in control comes from fear and insecurity.  *gasp*  Me?  Afraid?  I didn't think so, but upon closer examination and a real heart check I have to agree.  When I struggle to control it is often because I am not trusting God.  (seems to be a pattern in this tongue thing doesn't it?)  I am not trusting God to handle that particular situation or to handle my relationship with that particular person.  By manipulating I am in effect saying that I am confident that I can handle the person or situation better than God can.  Problem is, I can't see the big picture.  I can not work all things for good as God can. 

Pegues says, "we never read of Jesus manipulating anybody.  He always offered everyone a better way of life but accepted their decision to pursue another option even when it was not in their best interest."  Jesus allows us to make our own choices, even if they break His heart and He knows that it will hurt us.  "Manipulation is deceptive and attempts to take away a person's freewill choice." (Pegues)  If the God of the universe won't attempt to force us to his will, why do we think it is okay for us to do it to others?

Decide today to trust God and to stop trying to rob others of their freewill. 

Father, thank you for again extending grace.  Help us to turn from our ways and to find that narrow path that leads to You.  Strengthen us as we attempt to become more like You and be less worldly.  Open our eyes and our hearts to the damage that our tongue causes us and those around us.  In your precious Son's name I pray.

Day 2 - The Flattering Tongue

These people---flatter others to get favors in return.

~Jude 1:16 NLT

We have all been exposed to one form of flattery or another.  The advertiser that tells you that women with great fashion sense and a talent for saving money shop at their store.  Or the carsalesman that tells you that you were made for that expensive sports car, or the child who tells you that you are the best mom ever right before they ask for $20 to go to the movies.  Flattery is one of those things that has become ingrained in American culture. 

To be honest, it wasn't on my list of things to be concerned about when it came to taming my tongue, but Pegues places it here on day 2.  How much harm can really be accomplished through flattery?  After all, it us usually said to make someone feel better, and besides that most people don't even really fall for it. 

A study done in Hong Kong at the University of Science and Technology discovered that while most people consciously dismiss these sugar coated words, they often sink in and sub-consciously affect our actions.  This means that our little white lies change how a person behaves.  Again, you may think that since flattery is positive there is no harm in it.  Pegues suggests otherwise.

Pegues tells us that we are especially vulnerable to flattery when we are allowing Satan's lies to sway us.  When we are insecure, feel overlooked or unappreciated, etc.  When we flatter people we are feeding Satan's lies.  Thoughts quickly go from feeling overlooked to something along the lines of "well at least _______ appreciates me," when in reality you have lied to them to gain something for yourself.  All lies are eventually discovered, if not by the person lied to then we must remember that God always knows what has been said. 

Flattery is excessive and insincere praise, especially that given to further one's own interests.  Given that definition it should definitely be on our list of things to tame since it is simply an outgrowth of selfishness.  Philippians 2:3 instructs us to do nothing out of selfishness, but to consider others better than ourselves.  Are we really considering them better than us if we think so little of them that we lie to them?  I think not.  James 3:16 warns us that where we have envy and selfish ambitions we will find disorder and every evil practice.  Flattery opens that door.

Pegues also tells us that "engaging in flattery is clear evidence of one's lack of faith in God's ability to give him favor with other people".  God grants us favor, it is a benefit of walking with God.  By seeking to gain dishonest favor from others it is as if we are saying, "God, I don't trust that you are going to look out for me in this relationship, so I am going to pave my own way into their good graces."  Who knows how many relationships we may have damaged as a result, or how many opportunities we may have had to serve God had we allowed Him to lead.

Psalm 12:3 tells us just how much God dislikes flattery, "The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips..."  Not a fate that I desire.

So today, think before you let that compliment slip from your tongue, is it sincere or are you trying to gain something? 

Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy, especially when it comes to our tongues.  We to often let it lead us rather than the other way around.  Help us to move beyond our selfish desires and to learn to trust you to provide all that we need.  Help us to trust in the favor that You give rather than attempt to create our own.  Most of all, Abba, I thank you that you do not give up on us, that you are quick to forgive when we ask for it.  I thank you for being willing to make the ultimate sacrifice so that we may have that gift.  Help us Lord to remember what you gave.  Fill us with your Spirit and help us to allow him to take the driver's seat.  In the name of your Son I pray.

Taming the Lying Tongue

The LORD destests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.

Proverbs 12:22

Admit it, you have told a lie at some point in your life.  From the little white lie that you thought was innocent to the big ole whopper that you told to keep from looking bad.  a UMass study done in 2002 discovered that in a normal everyday 10 minute conversation at least 2 our of 3 people tell at least one lie.  Most don't even realize how much they are lying!  So why do we lie?

More often than not it boils down to self-esteem.  Men tend to lie to make themselves look or feel better, while women tend to lie to make the other person feel better.  But you already know that don't you?  Pegues says that lying comes in four primary forms:  deceitfulness, half-truths, exaggerations, and flattery.  In my mind it all comes down to self-esteem.  We all want to look good, we all want to feel loved, and we want to feel as if we are important.  So what is so wrong with a little white lie if it doesn't hurt anyone?

First, the obvious answer...God hates lies.  It goes completely against His nature.  Titus 1:2 tells us that God doesn't lie.  In the NKJ version it says God CANNOT lie.  We were created in His image so it has to grieve His heart to see us do something so contrary to who He is.  God hates lying so much that we are told "All liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).  Lying can cause us to be eternally separated from God.  I don't know about you, but that alone makes me want to tame my tongue when it comes to lying!

Then there is the harm we do to others by lying.  It creates false impressions.  That little white lie (Yes, that dress looks good on you!), while told to make someone feel better actually can damage relationships.  What happens when the truth is told by someone else.  Trust is lost.  The person you lied to feels as if you don't value them enough to tell them truth, or worse they feel like you intentionally attempted to humiliate them or make them look silly.  Don't think they will ever find out?  You may be right, but do you really want a relationship built on lies?  Are you really showing that person you love and care for them if you can't be honest with them? 

Lying also hurts us.  It is as if we are saying, "I don't think that you will think I am good enough, so I am going to make myself appear better and not give you a chance to think poorly of me".  Problem is that most of us tend to not be very good liars (remember we weren't created to be liars at all!).  Over time we get our half-truths, exaggerations, white lies, and whoppers confused.  Others start to realize that we aren't the person we pretend to be.  So rather than people learning about the unique, wonderful, awesome person God created each of us to be, we introduce them to the lie that Satan has convinced us we must be in order to be valued.  After all, we are fearfully and wonderfully made and God's works are all wonderful, that includes you and me.  (Psalm 139:14)  Why do we think we need to improve upon what God has created us to be?  When we lie to improve our own or other's opinions of ourselves it is as if we are saying that God didn't do a good enough job. 

God knows every word we will utter before it ever leaves our mouth.  (Psalm 139:4)  Today let us chose to honor Him by chosing to be honest.  That doesn't mean saying hurtful things to others, after all we are told that our words are for building up and encouraging our brothers and sisters  (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Ephesians 4:29).  It also doesn't mean keeping quiet either.  2 Timothy tells us that Scripture is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training (3:16).  In other words, if you have to do these things, be sure you can back it up with God's Word, and do it in love.  Love covers a multitude of sins. And if all else fails, don't speak!

Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue ~Psalm 120:2

My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness.  all the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse ~Proverbs 8:7-8

Today Lord, I thank you for the mercy and forgiveness that you extend to me through Your Son.  Forgive me for the lies I have told, forgive me for grieving You.  Help me to tame this tongue of mine.  Help me to trust that I don't need to lie to appear better than I am because You have created me, and your creations are wonderful.  Help me to lean on Your Word when speaking to others, to use truth in all situations, to trust that by doing this I honor You.  In Your Son's name I pray. 

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue

photo source

Beginning Monday, September 24, 2012  I am going to be studying 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue: What You Say (and Don't Say) Will Improve Your Relationships and sharing my thoughts with YOU. 

Admittedly, this is an area that I really struggle with.  I would venture to say that it isn't just me either.  This is one of the BIG topics in the Bible.  Why else would we be told that the power of life and death is in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and that our words will both justify and condemn us (Matthew 12:37) and that when we stand before God we will give an account of EVERY careless word we have spoken (12:36)!  Those little things that slip off my tongue before my mind can catch them matter.  They matter to those I speak to, they matter to those I speak about and they matter to God the Father. 

So won't you join me?  I would love for you to share your thoughts as we embark upon this journey.  I would love to pray for you and I hope that my own experiences encourage you. 

Blessings!
Ginny

heart check

How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?  ~ John 5:44

Why do we do what we do?  For those of us who strive to be Christ-like or response is often, 'to please God".  But is it always?  Think about it...

God knows that there are those who claim to love Him and appear to be following him, but in the end....well not so much.  Luke 6:46 tells us that there are those who call out His name but in the day to day grind they go their own way, do their own thing, rather than obey His commands.  They are more concerned with looking good to others than seeking God's glory.

1 Corinthians 10:31 tells us to do everything (whatever we do) to the glory of God.  What we do in the day to day matters, and it should matter to us that it be done to give God the glory.  Matthew 5:16 tells us that what we do is not only a way for us to give God glory, but it allows others to see our actions so that they may give glory to God also.  We don't seek glory for ourselves, but so that it goes to the One who gave us the talents, the gifts, the abilities that we have.  For without God we can do nothing.  (John 15:5)  If we can do nothing without Him, why do we seek the glory for our actions from others?

Remember, man may look at the outward appearance of things, they may look at our actions and believe that we are sold out for Jesus, but God knows our heart and that is where the truth lies.  Take a few minutes today and examine your heart.  The good news is that God loves us unconditionally, and that He is willing to forgive and wipe it all away, we need only acknowledge and ask. 

If you knew....

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water."  ~John 4:10

If you knew.  I look at my teenage children and have often thought that.  If only you knew how your choices are impacting your future.  If only you knew that your decision to remain stubborn rather than to humble yourself was only hurting you.  If only you knew how your words said in anger affected those around you.  If only you knew that this heartache would pass, and that God has a truly special person out there for you.  The teen years are hard.

But I wonder how many times Jesus says to me, "If only you knew"?  His word tells us that He has so many gifts for us.  He offers the gift of hope (Jeremiah 29:11), the gift of rest (Mathew 11:28-29), the gift of peace (Proverbs 1:33, John 14:27), the gift of strength (Isaiah 40:29-31), and the gift of supplying for our needs (Philippians 4:19).  The best gift of all is the gift of eternal life with Him (Romans 6:23).  And yet so many of us don't ask for, and as a result don't receive, these gifts.  

Jesus points out that the woman didn't know the gifts that God was offering.  We don't have that excuse.  Everything He offers is spelled out for us in His Word, including how to accept the gifts.  Isn't it time we quit trying to quench our thirst with something that isn't lasting and start quenching it with something that is?

On hold until June

It seems that our meeting days either fall on a national holiday (Easter and Mother's Day) or a special church day (Word of Light's anniversary picnic service). So no meetings until June when we begin our DVD study More than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst.  Good news is that Lysa is going to be the guest at this years women's conference!  So until then, may God continue to watch over you and may you continue to rely on Him!