Day 5 - Taming the Divisive tongue

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

~Matthew 5:9 KJV

"Divide and conquer is one of Satan's most effective strategies for hindering the effectiveness of any effort undertaken by two or more people." (Deborah Pegues)  Just about any time you get a group of people together, and I hate to admit this but women especially, you can pretty much bet that at some point there is going to be some division.  God made each of us different and unique.  We aren't going to view everything the same way.  Our personalities, our gifts, our backgrounds can cause us to look at the exact same set of circumstances and see entirely different things....and that is okay.

The problem comes when either a person says something with the wrong motives and/or the receiver hears something and reads more in to it than was intended and division occurs.  When we got bold and attempted to build a tower to reach God, He didn't destroy us, He divided us.  Division hinders a task and can render it unobtainable.  Granted, some tasks should not be undertaken, as in the Tower of Babel, but many of the activities of our families and our churches are ruined due to divisive tongues.

Taming this particular tongue is a two way street.  It takes two to tango, goes the old saying.  First let us look at the speaker.  Pegues tells us that there will be times you need to speak to someone and tell them something negative.  Inevitably that will cause discord.  None of us like to hear something bad, whether it be a friend admonishing us, or finding out that someone else has been saying some hurtful things about us.  As the bearer of bad news, we need to examine our hearts before we open our mouths.  Are we telling someone the negative to help them grow?  To help them learn?  If so, continue on.  Are we giving them this news of betrayal to protect them?  If so, continue on.  Are we trying to gain favor (look at how great I am for telling you this and how awful the other person is for saying this)?  Stop and pray!  Are we trying to elevate ourselves (look at what a better Christian I am for seeing this problem in you)?  Stop and pray!  Are we causing division because we want to be in control?  Stop and pray!  You may have grown up in a home where division was the norm and it has become habit to speak divisive words.  It is time to examine yourself and ask God to help you to correct this.  Proverbs 6:19 lists a man who causes division as one of the things God hates.  He desires us to be united!  (Psalm 133:1, John 17:23, 1 Corinthians 1:10, Ephesians 4:3)

But there are two sides to this tongue, and the other is our minds.  We can be sensitive creatures, can't we.  Something said in total innocence can send us into the "what did they really mean?" tailspin.  Satan knows our weaknesses, and he will use them to his utmost advantage.  He knows how much we need unity to survive this world.  God tells us not to give up gathering together (Hebrews 10:25) because He realizes that we need encouragement to go on, and Satan knows that to divide is to conquer.  Ross Rhode, author of Viral Jesus, puts it this way, "You need each other, if nothing more, for the encouragement. Don’t stop meeting together, it isn’t good for your soul." (Read it here)  While some of the time what you hear truly is divisive and the person may mean what you think it is they mean, give them grace.  Remember we need to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).  That means that sometimes we have to let go of our own hurts and insecurities and trust that either God is working on us, or God is working on them but either way it is in His hands.  How we respond to a divisive tongue can greatly influence the outcome, and even the person with the tongue.  Simply saying, "Let me make sure I understand what you are saying..." can clear the air.  If the person's heart was true and their intentions pure you can quickly put aside any dissension that Satan may have been causing.  At the same time, by letting the person know that you have caught them in their attempt to divide you may just be the instrument God is choosing to use to work on their own heart, just be sure your motives are pure as well and you are not acting to cause division.

Let me close with Ecclesiastes 4:9-12:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

We truly need each other in this world.  Don't become an instrument of Satan's destruction.

Father, help us to stand together, looking out for each other, rather than causing division.  Help us to examine our motives before we speak and help us to set aside our preconceived notions when we hear.  Remind us that we must stand together against the evils of this world with our shields raised and not allow dissension to create gaps that the enemy can pierce.  In the name of your Son, who gave all so that we can stand together before you, I pray.

Day 4 - The Hasty Tongue

Do you see a (wo)man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
~Proverbs 29:20

Admit it....at at least one point in your life you have done it.   You opened your mouth without thinking and out spewed some not very nice words.  I had just such an incident last night at church and spoke words that I wish I could take back.  They were innocent but the words tapped into a pain that the other person was already feeling and as soon as I said them I could see the hurt that they caused.  Deborah Pegues says, "Because we can never be totally aware of all the sensitivities of others, we must depend upon the Holy Spirit to direct our speech in a way that does not tap into their pain, distress, or other negative experiences".  To do this though, we must allow Him to speak to us, which means we need slow down our tongue!

James says it best, "my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak" (James 1:19).  In a world where everything moves faster than light, this may seem impractical.  Consider this though, once spoken a word can never be erased.

Take a piece of paper and crumple it up, wad it up really well.  Now flatten it out.  See all of the creases?  That is like our words.  The words we speak cause permanent changes, good or bad, in the person we speak them too.  When we say words that are hurtful we can and should apologize and try to restore the relationship.  However, you will never be able to go back to what it was before those words were spoken.  That person will always have the creases that you spoke into their lives. 

I need God to direct my words, to set a gaurd over my lips (Psalm 141:3).  God tells us that even a fool is considered wise as long as he keeps his mouth shut!  (Proverbs 17:28) 

Lord, again I thank you for your patience.  Your word tells us that whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble and that we can not tame our tongue ourselves.  I continue to ask that you assist me and those who, like me, have set out to tame our tongues.  Help us to stop stumbling in what we say so that we may then control our whole bodies, so that we may become more pleasing to You.  In your Son's name I pray.

Taming the Manipulating Tongue

Then Delilah pouted, "How can you say you love me when you don't confide in me?  You've made fun of me three times now, and you still haven't told me what makes you so strong!"

Judges 16:15 NLT

Manipulate v. to control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfailry, or unscrupulously.  to alter (data) or present (statistics) so as to mislead.

That manipulating tongue has been getting us in trouble since the garden!  First that wiley serpent introdueces us to it and we decide to run with it.  Eve influenced Adam to eat the forbidden fruit also.  Sarah convinced Abraham to take Hagar and produce an heir (and boy did that backfire-but that's another topic!).  Jacob manipulated Esau (with some definate help from mommy, dearest!).  Laban manipulated Jacob for many years. And those are just examples from Genesis! 

Manipulation, like most sin, boils down to a simple thing, selfishness.  We want what we want no matter what.  Sarah wanted a baby so bad that rather than wait for God's timing she tried to force the issue.  Jacob wanted to be daddy's favorite and inherit everything so much that he robbed his brother.  In the long run he ended up sacrificing years of his life in servitude because of his choices.  When we only think of self in never works out well in the long run and we inevitably end up hurting someone close to us.

After all, we tend to manipulate only those who are close to us.  A stranger isn't going to trust that our deception is true.  We first have to have an emotional connection to a person in order to manipulate them, which makes this such a heinous sin.  I say this not with a finger pointing at you, but pointing at us.  I too have been guilty of manipulation.

So what does manipulation look like?  It can be in the form of a threat - if you don't do what I want you to then I won't give you something you want in return.  Let's be honest here, an area that we tend to really shine (in a not so good way) is the sexual manipulation.  We are warned not to withhold sexual relations with our spouse without mutual consent (1 Corinthians 7:5).  We are also told not to let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26).  God knows we are going to have disagreements, but he also knows the damage that can be caused in a marriage if we withhold ourselves from each other due to anger.  Don't let this form of manipulation destroy what God has joined together!

Another form of manipulation is guilt - if you really loved me you would.  Or even better, I have done so much for you, why can't you do this little thing for me?  You are telling that person that your wants and desires are more important that them.  When we proclaim that we follow Christ, that we chose to be Christ-like, we proclaim that we are no longer first.  Jesus came to serve others, not to be served (Mark 10:44-45).  We are told to be as a slave.  How many slaves do you know that put their own wants and desires above that of their masters?  I couldn't think of even one.

I totally get the desire to manipulate.  It tends to come from a desire to control.  We want to be large and in charge!  But here is what I discovered.....that need to be in control comes from fear and insecurity.  *gasp*  Me?  Afraid?  I didn't think so, but upon closer examination and a real heart check I have to agree.  When I struggle to control it is often because I am not trusting God.  (seems to be a pattern in this tongue thing doesn't it?)  I am not trusting God to handle that particular situation or to handle my relationship with that particular person.  By manipulating I am in effect saying that I am confident that I can handle the person or situation better than God can.  Problem is, I can't see the big picture.  I can not work all things for good as God can. 

Pegues says, "we never read of Jesus manipulating anybody.  He always offered everyone a better way of life but accepted their decision to pursue another option even when it was not in their best interest."  Jesus allows us to make our own choices, even if they break His heart and He knows that it will hurt us.  "Manipulation is deceptive and attempts to take away a person's freewill choice." (Pegues)  If the God of the universe won't attempt to force us to his will, why do we think it is okay for us to do it to others?

Decide today to trust God and to stop trying to rob others of their freewill. 

Father, thank you for again extending grace.  Help us to turn from our ways and to find that narrow path that leads to You.  Strengthen us as we attempt to become more like You and be less worldly.  Open our eyes and our hearts to the damage that our tongue causes us and those around us.  In your precious Son's name I pray.

Day 2 - The Flattering Tongue

These people---flatter others to get favors in return.

~Jude 1:16 NLT

We have all been exposed to one form of flattery or another.  The advertiser that tells you that women with great fashion sense and a talent for saving money shop at their store.  Or the carsalesman that tells you that you were made for that expensive sports car, or the child who tells you that you are the best mom ever right before they ask for $20 to go to the movies.  Flattery is one of those things that has become ingrained in American culture. 

To be honest, it wasn't on my list of things to be concerned about when it came to taming my tongue, but Pegues places it here on day 2.  How much harm can really be accomplished through flattery?  After all, it us usually said to make someone feel better, and besides that most people don't even really fall for it. 

A study done in Hong Kong at the University of Science and Technology discovered that while most people consciously dismiss these sugar coated words, they often sink in and sub-consciously affect our actions.  This means that our little white lies change how a person behaves.  Again, you may think that since flattery is positive there is no harm in it.  Pegues suggests otherwise.

Pegues tells us that we are especially vulnerable to flattery when we are allowing Satan's lies to sway us.  When we are insecure, feel overlooked or unappreciated, etc.  When we flatter people we are feeding Satan's lies.  Thoughts quickly go from feeling overlooked to something along the lines of "well at least _______ appreciates me," when in reality you have lied to them to gain something for yourself.  All lies are eventually discovered, if not by the person lied to then we must remember that God always knows what has been said. 

Flattery is excessive and insincere praise, especially that given to further one's own interests.  Given that definition it should definitely be on our list of things to tame since it is simply an outgrowth of selfishness.  Philippians 2:3 instructs us to do nothing out of selfishness, but to consider others better than ourselves.  Are we really considering them better than us if we think so little of them that we lie to them?  I think not.  James 3:16 warns us that where we have envy and selfish ambitions we will find disorder and every evil practice.  Flattery opens that door.

Pegues also tells us that "engaging in flattery is clear evidence of one's lack of faith in God's ability to give him favor with other people".  God grants us favor, it is a benefit of walking with God.  By seeking to gain dishonest favor from others it is as if we are saying, "God, I don't trust that you are going to look out for me in this relationship, so I am going to pave my own way into their good graces."  Who knows how many relationships we may have damaged as a result, or how many opportunities we may have had to serve God had we allowed Him to lead.

Psalm 12:3 tells us just how much God dislikes flattery, "The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips..."  Not a fate that I desire.

So today, think before you let that compliment slip from your tongue, is it sincere or are you trying to gain something? 

Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy, especially when it comes to our tongues.  We to often let it lead us rather than the other way around.  Help us to move beyond our selfish desires and to learn to trust you to provide all that we need.  Help us to trust in the favor that You give rather than attempt to create our own.  Most of all, Abba, I thank you that you do not give up on us, that you are quick to forgive when we ask for it.  I thank you for being willing to make the ultimate sacrifice so that we may have that gift.  Help us Lord to remember what you gave.  Fill us with your Spirit and help us to allow him to take the driver's seat.  In the name of your Son I pray.

Taming the Lying Tongue

The LORD destests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.

Proverbs 12:22

Admit it, you have told a lie at some point in your life.  From the little white lie that you thought was innocent to the big ole whopper that you told to keep from looking bad.  a UMass study done in 2002 discovered that in a normal everyday 10 minute conversation at least 2 our of 3 people tell at least one lie.  Most don't even realize how much they are lying!  So why do we lie?

More often than not it boils down to self-esteem.  Men tend to lie to make themselves look or feel better, while women tend to lie to make the other person feel better.  But you already know that don't you?  Pegues says that lying comes in four primary forms:  deceitfulness, half-truths, exaggerations, and flattery.  In my mind it all comes down to self-esteem.  We all want to look good, we all want to feel loved, and we want to feel as if we are important.  So what is so wrong with a little white lie if it doesn't hurt anyone?

First, the obvious answer...God hates lies.  It goes completely against His nature.  Titus 1:2 tells us that God doesn't lie.  In the NKJ version it says God CANNOT lie.  We were created in His image so it has to grieve His heart to see us do something so contrary to who He is.  God hates lying so much that we are told "All liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).  Lying can cause us to be eternally separated from God.  I don't know about you, but that alone makes me want to tame my tongue when it comes to lying!

Then there is the harm we do to others by lying.  It creates false impressions.  That little white lie (Yes, that dress looks good on you!), while told to make someone feel better actually can damage relationships.  What happens when the truth is told by someone else.  Trust is lost.  The person you lied to feels as if you don't value them enough to tell them truth, or worse they feel like you intentionally attempted to humiliate them or make them look silly.  Don't think they will ever find out?  You may be right, but do you really want a relationship built on lies?  Are you really showing that person you love and care for them if you can't be honest with them? 

Lying also hurts us.  It is as if we are saying, "I don't think that you will think I am good enough, so I am going to make myself appear better and not give you a chance to think poorly of me".  Problem is that most of us tend to not be very good liars (remember we weren't created to be liars at all!).  Over time we get our half-truths, exaggerations, white lies, and whoppers confused.  Others start to realize that we aren't the person we pretend to be.  So rather than people learning about the unique, wonderful, awesome person God created each of us to be, we introduce them to the lie that Satan has convinced us we must be in order to be valued.  After all, we are fearfully and wonderfully made and God's works are all wonderful, that includes you and me.  (Psalm 139:14)  Why do we think we need to improve upon what God has created us to be?  When we lie to improve our own or other's opinions of ourselves it is as if we are saying that God didn't do a good enough job. 

God knows every word we will utter before it ever leaves our mouth.  (Psalm 139:4)  Today let us chose to honor Him by chosing to be honest.  That doesn't mean saying hurtful things to others, after all we are told that our words are for building up and encouraging our brothers and sisters  (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Ephesians 4:29).  It also doesn't mean keeping quiet either.  2 Timothy tells us that Scripture is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training (3:16).  In other words, if you have to do these things, be sure you can back it up with God's Word, and do it in love.  Love covers a multitude of sins. And if all else fails, don't speak!

Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue ~Psalm 120:2

My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness.  all the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse ~Proverbs 8:7-8

Today Lord, I thank you for the mercy and forgiveness that you extend to me through Your Son.  Forgive me for the lies I have told, forgive me for grieving You.  Help me to tame this tongue of mine.  Help me to trust that I don't need to lie to appear better than I am because You have created me, and your creations are wonderful.  Help me to lean on Your Word when speaking to others, to use truth in all situations, to trust that by doing this I honor You.  In Your Son's name I pray. 

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue

photo source

Beginning Monday, September 24, 2012  I am going to be studying 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue: What You Say (and Don't Say) Will Improve Your Relationships and sharing my thoughts with YOU. 

Admittedly, this is an area that I really struggle with.  I would venture to say that it isn't just me either.  This is one of the BIG topics in the Bible.  Why else would we be told that the power of life and death is in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and that our words will both justify and condemn us (Matthew 12:37) and that when we stand before God we will give an account of EVERY careless word we have spoken (12:36)!  Those little things that slip off my tongue before my mind can catch them matter.  They matter to those I speak to, they matter to those I speak about and they matter to God the Father. 

So won't you join me?  I would love for you to share your thoughts as we embark upon this journey.  I would love to pray for you and I hope that my own experiences encourage you. 

Blessings!
Ginny