Day 17 - The Tactless Tongue

Let your conversation be gracious and effective so that you will have the right answer for everyone.  ~Colossians 4:6 NLT

 

Open mouth, insert foot.  You have been there haven't you?  That time that you were chatting with a friend and just talking away when the next thing you knew out slipped a few words that could have been phrased better, or shouldn't have been said at all.  You know those words hurt the person you were talking to, whether they embarrassed them or opened up an old wound.  You just didn't realize what you were saying until it was to late. 

And therein lies the problem, we didn't realize what we were saying.  We were lax in taking every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5) and before we knew it, it was to late.  To be tactless is to be marked by a lack of the keen sense of what to do or say to maintain good relations with others or to avoid offense.  Lacking tact ruins relationships if left unchecked and unaddressed.  After all, who wants to hang out with the gal who is always telling you (or others) the thing you don't want to hear?

Now that isn't to say that being honest is being tactless.  But it is possible to be honest without being brutally so.  I am often instructing my children that it is possible to say the same thing in many ways.  You can tell someone that you disklike their clothes by saying, "eww!  That looks awful on you!" which would fall into honest but tactless.  Or you can say, "that's a good color for you, but the style doesn't flatter you as much as it could."  Both convey the same sentiment, it's not a good outfit, but one builds up and the other tears down. 

Today let's try a little harder to avoid offense.  You don't need to be a doormat, but you don't have to be brutal either.  Let's think before we speak so that we can keep our feet out of our mouths. 

 



Day 16 - The Harsh Tongue

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

~Proverbs 15:1

 

Have you ever squirted to much toothpaste onto your toothbrush? 

 

It happens.  When it does, do you put it back into the tube?  No?  Why not?  Not an easy task is it? 

Our words are like the toothpaste, once they are out you can't put them back.  Good, bad and in between they are now out there to help or hurt others.  While Ephesians 4:29 tells us that our words should be helpful to others and should encourage and build them up, those aren't always the words we choose.

I am currently participating in an online study with Melissa Taylor.  We are studying Lysa Terkeurst's book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions which talks about the labels we are given in our lifetime.  The labels that tend to be the most difficult to shed are those that are given to us from a harsh tongue.  As Lysa says, "Labels are awful.  They imprison us in categories that are hard to escape."  Notice that she says they are "hard" and not "impossible" to escape.  We know all things are possible with God!  My point, however, is that not only can a harsh word stir up anger, but it can also inflict lasting wounds on others.  Wounds that can destroy self-esteem, that can build barriers - both in the relationship and in spiritual growth. 

The good news is that we always have a choice in the words we use, we just need to be wise enough to exercise self control.  Not an easy thing to do, I know!  Lysa describes it as "the external expression of our relationship with God.  Restraint is the seed of this fruit  It's the internal experience of living with Christ and really applying His truths to my life."  Our choice to give a gentle answer when everything in us may be screaming to give a harsh one is a reflection of our relationship with Jesus.  It is allowing the Holy Spirit to lead rather than our flesh.  You see, "the one who holds their tongue is the one who holds the power".  Not the I'm in charge power, but the Spirit power.  Remember the verse that says life and death is in the tongue?  (Proverbs 18:21)  Choosing to hold your tongue is a choice that gives life.  That is power! 

So stop giving the enemy the power by choosing words of death, harsh words.  They can do so much more than just stir up anger.  Instead, choose to give life, to turn away wrath, to allow the Spirit to lead. 

Father, this is an area I especially struggle with.  Help me to choose to speak gentle words full of life to those around me.  To stop exploding harsh words and inciting anger in those I love.  In Jesus name.
 

Day 15 - The Know-it-All Tongue

Wise people don't make a show of their knowledge.  ~Proverbs 12:23 NLT

 





You know the type, the person that knows ALL about whatever the topic is, and isn't afraid to tell you about it!  Are you that person?  I admit I have a tendency to be like this.  I know why, and what part of my past it comes from, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.

A know-it-all tends to dominate a conversation, making it difficult for others to contribute.  You never know what insights you are missing out on because you feel it necessary to share all you know.  Pegues was given the advice once, "We know you're smart, but don't know everything.  Let {someone else} know some things sometimes".  While this advice was given to her regarding her husband, it applies in all relationships. 

There are lessons to be learned in the journey, and when you provide the answers without the journey others miss those lessons.  One of the reasons that I love and value my father-in-law so much is because of a promise he made me when I got married.  He promised to never give advice unless I asked for it.  He has been married much longer than I have.   He has helped to raise five children, and he has experience much life has to offer.  In short, he is full on knowledge.  However, he allows me to walk my own path, to share my experiences with him and to refrain from being a know-it-all.  Because of this he has a special place in my life.  I know that should I desire advice he is only a phone call away and he will give it...when asked.

And that is what I believe the above verse tells us.  We don't need to pretend we don't have knowledge.  Those who are wise tend to develop the reputation of being so.  What the wise person does is refrain from making a show of it, from spouting off about all he or she knows every chance they get.  Proverbs 10:19 tells us that "when words are many, sin is not absent".  By being a know-it-all we are feeding the sin of pride.  Our verse continues, "but he who holds his tongue is wise". 

Father God, help me to hold my tongue so that others may learn.  Help me to remember that true wisdom comes from You, and that I gain more wisdom by listening than by talking.  Thank you for the gift of family you have given to me.  I pray to be a blessing to others as I have been blessed.  In your Son's name I pray.

Day 14 - The Cynical Tongue

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.  Psalm 1:1

It's neat (for me anyway) that this is today's topic.  I was just discussing cynicism with my husband last night and what it meant.  We had heard someone describe himself as a realist and had been curious about what the difference was between a realist and a cynic.  Simple answer, a realist sees things as they are, not so much as right or wrong it just simply is.  A cynic, however, sees the negative in just about everything.  Their life is Murphy's Law.

Pegues points to Eliab (David's older brother) as an example of a cynic (see 1 Samuel 17:28-29).  He seems to have a history of expecting the worst of David.  The problem is, people have a tendency to live up (or down) to our expectations.  If we expect the worst from them, quite often that is what we get.

So how do we tame the cynical tongue?  Stop focusing on the errors of others and start focusing on Jesus.  People are going to mess up, they are going to let you down at some point or another.  Their motives aren't always pure, but Jesus won't mess up.  He won't let you down.  His motives are crystal clear.  He loves you and wants you to spend eternity with Him.  Period.  You have to trust that He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Lord, help me to move past questioning others sincerity and goodness in their actions or deeds and move closer to seeing them the way that You do.  Help me to change my heart and as a result change my tongue.

Day 13 - the belittling tongue

Do not let any unwholesome talke come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

~Ephesians 4:29

 

 

belittle: v. to cause (a person or thing) to seem little or less, to disparage

 

Pegues begins this topic in her book with a simple question, "Do people feel better about themselves after spending time with you?"  She challenges us to combat the belittling tongue by choosing to do the opposite and become a cheerleader for others.

I'll be honest, I don't always feel like putting on the cheerleading uniform.  Sometimes I just want to take a moment and make myself feel better.  Sometimes that means I may disparage or belittle someone else in the process.  I'm not proud of it, but it's true.  The problem is that we aren't here on this world to feel better about ourselves but to point the way the the One who can heal all hurts and pains.  It's hard to point to Jesus when I am pointing out the not so great things in others. 

We are told to encourage each other, both in Ephesians 4:29 and in 1 Thessalonians 5:11.  Not just to encourage each other but to build each other up.  Kind of hard to build someone up if I am to busy tearing them down.  Pegues uses a hammer as an example.  It is a tool that can be used to create beautiful things.  At the same time, that same tool can tear those beautiful things apart.  Our tongue is much the same way.  Today focus on what you say, and on building rather than destroying, making others feel more than rather than less than.

 

Father, thank you for your Word, you book of instructions, and your unfailing love.  Help us Lord to use this tongue of ours to build others up rather than tear them down.  Help us to point the way to You with our words and our actions.  In your Son's name I pray.

Day 12 - The Betraying Tongue

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. 
~Proverbs 11:13

Betrayal, just the word causes me to shudder.  There is little that hurts worse than to have someone close to you betray you.  David describes this pain in Psalm 55.  When a friend turns against us, the wounds inflicted are far worse than the same acts done by an enemy.

 The very definition of betrayal (to disclose in violation of a confidence) implies a trust or bond with the betrayer.  To betray a confidence is to destroy a friendship.  Is it worth it?  C.S. Lewis said, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”  We are told in Proverbs 17:17 that a friend loves at all times.  Friendship is priceless.  There are many benefits we gain from friendship.

First is a sense of belonging and purpose.  God told us from the very beginning it is not good for us to be alone (Genesis 2:18).  In fact we are instructed to not neglect meeting together (Hebrews 10:25).  Being with others is obviously something that is important.

Friendships also help us to grow into a better person.  Proverbs 27:5-6,9 reminds us that our friends are expected to be honest with us, and that we should welcome that honesty.  Their words sharpen us (Proverbs 27:17).  The act of sharpening is the removal of the "extra" that keeps the instrument from being sharp.  Sharpening makes a tool more capable of doing the job it was created to do.  Our friendships do the same for us.  They help us identify the areas of our life that need to be removed so that we can be of better service to God.

Knowing that friendships are relationships that God encourages, why do we betray them for a few brief minutes of self-importance?  We are putting self first (still a common thing with this taming the tongue thing isn't it?).  Isn't that what most, if not all, sin comes down to?  We value ourselves over everything else.  It's a hard lesson to learn, to put yourself last.  But Jesus tells us that if we want to be first, that is what we have to do.  (Mark 10:44, Mark 9:35, Matthew 20:26-28)

Father, help us to guard our friendships by being trustworthy.  Thank you for the gift of friendship that you have given to us and help us to treat our friends as we would like to be treated, with love, honor and respect.  Keep us from betraying their confidences through action or deed.  Help us to better live a life that reflects you.  In Jesus name. 

Day 11 - The Meddling Tongue

Some of you are living idle lives, refusing to work and wasting time meddling in other people's business. ~2 Thessalonians 3:11 NLT

med·dle   /ˈmedl/    (verb)  Interfere in or busy oneself unduly with something that is not one's concern.

Nosey Nellie, that is what we called a meddler when I was growing up.  You know the type, always wanting to know what is going on with everyone else.  A Nosey Nellie often hides behind the guise of concern when in reality it is more curiosity and tends to stem from low self-esteem.  Proverbs 26:17 compares a meddler with a person grabbing a dog by its ears.  It doesn't ever end well!

A meddler might think they can "help" solve the problems of others, but more often than not the meddler causes more problems.  They often only know part of the story and as a result can not really offer informed assistance.  A meddler may be more interested in cozy-ing up to the person they are "helping", seeking approval or higher status rather than truly helping.  In the end it really isn't helping anyone.

You are better off to wait to be invited to the situation.  If the invitation doesn't come, then you don't need to get involved.

verses to consider:
Proverbs 20:3
1 Peter 4:15-16
1 Thessalonians 4:11

Day 10 - The Gossiping tongue

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts.

Proverbs 18:8

Today's tongue is closely related to yesterday's.  Both have to do with spreading rumors of others, while slander tends to focus more on defamation, gossip is a much wider topic.  Gossip is simply spreading stories, idle talk about others.  It is interesting to me that God goes out of His way to make sure that we understand just how horrible these things are when He places them in the same category as murder or hating God (Romans 1:28-32).

To truly understand gossip we must look at the heart, because there is where the problem lies.  You see, we can talk honestly about a person and it not be gossip.  If we are truly concerned and are seeking help, sharing a situation is not gossiping.  For instance you know for a fact of an action that a friend has made that is harmful.  You aren't sure how to approach them so you go to a trusted elder or pastor and seek advice with the true intent of helping your friend.  This is not gossip.  In the same situation though, when you begin to tell the ladies group what is going on, just so they know how to prayer, and your friend's friends, just so they are aware of the situation, you may have crossed into gossiping.  Proverbs 16:28 tells us that a gossip separates friends.  What purpose is served in telling so many people what is going on other than to separate friends?

If you have been told something in confidence, keep it in confidence.  The only exception to this is if the secret is a dangerous one that will cause harm to another.  When a person entrusts you with something personal, whether they have asked you to keep it secret or not, it is always best to err on the side of caution and keep the confidence.  Proverbs 11:13 tells us that betraying a confidence is a mark of a gossiper.

Below are 5 steps to help stop gossip, and it begins, and ends, with you!

1.  Examine your words carefully.   Are your words those that build others up, or those that tear them down?  How would you feel if someone were saying these words about you?

2.  Filter what you hear.  Don't allow others to gossip to you.  If you don't hear the gossip to begin with you are less likely to pass it on.  

3.  Call an ace an ace.  When someone does begin to gossip to you, call them on it.  Often times we don't realize that the things we are saying are gossip.  By telling your friends that you do not want to participate, you may be helping them to address a problem as well.

4.  Assume the best, forget the worst.  If everyone assumed the best in each other, there would be no room for gossip anymore.  

5.  Let it end with you.  If you do overhear that juicy bit of information, be the one who chooses not to pass it on.  A rumor can't survive if no one is feeding it!

Father, help us to be strong and to stand up and do what is right rather than follow the crowd.  Help us to stop hurting others with our words and to start encouraging each other, building each other up, helping each other in this world.  Help us to see that it is difficult enough to fight against the flesh without each other making it more difficult.  Help each of us to be an instrument of change, an instrument that shows each other the same grace You show us.  Thank you for Your grace, forgiveness and most of all for the sacrifice you made so that we can come into a real relationship with you!  In Jesus name I pray.

Day 9 - The Slandering Tongue

To hide hatred is to be a liar; to slander isto be a fool. ~Proverbs 10:18 NLT

 

Slander:  is an accusation maliciously uttered, with the purpose or effect of damaging the reputation of another. As a rule it is a false charge (compare Mt 5:11); but it may be a truth circulated insidiously and with a hostile purpose (e.g. Dan 3:8, "brought accusation against,") 

(Definition from the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia)

 

It surrounds us.  Stand in a grocery aisle and you will see numerous tabloids that get rich from false accusations or rumors with little truth to them.  Watch the news and you will often see a onesided story presented in such a way as to make someone out to be a bad guy.  And during this time of political elections it is on commercial after commercial in which one candidate disparages another's actions, beliefs, etc.  Slander is a part of our society, and has been since before biblical times.  What is it about slander that we find so appealing?

 

It makes us feel better about ourself by making someone else out to be less than we are.  After all, if we are better than the Joneses then we must be doing something right, right?  And there is the problem, the yardstick we tend to us.  You see, it doesn't matter who on this earth we think we are better than, the truth is we will always fall short on our own in God's eyes.  ALL have sinned.  Yes, my sin is probably different than yours, but it is just as bad.  James 2:10 tells us that by commiting one sin, you are in effect committing them all.  No sin is worse than another.  Using that yardstick, slander becomes a useless tool.  When we talk about Larry cheating on his wife and how awful that is, in God's eyes that is no worse than our slanderous tongue!

Matthew 7:1-5 reminds us that before we start focusing on another's issues, we first need to deal with our own. I don't know about you, but I know that I have enough planks in my own eye to keep me busy!  1 Peter 2:1 tells us to put away slander, Mark 7:20-23 calls slander an evil things and reminds us that it comes from our hearts.  And isn't that where all of the problems of taming the tongue come from?  Our hearts?  The tongue is just an outward expression of what is inside of us. I for one don't want all of this ugly inside of me.  I want to clean it out and give the Holy Spirit a beautiful place to dwell!

Father God, help me today to examine my heart and to sweep out my insecurities, my judgements, my desire to protect myself by bringing harm to others.  Fill me with the Spirit and let Him guide my heart so that my tongue will follow.  Help me to choose words that build others up, that support your kingdom, rather than words of destruction. In your Son's name I pray.

Day 8 - The Self-Deprecating Tongue

Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant, I am slow of speech and tongue."  Exodus 4:10

In the book, Pegues describes self-deprication as "when you think or speak of yourself as being of little or no worth and thereby minimize the value of what you 'bring to the table' or have to offer...often disquised as humility'".  It is important for us to remember that we are creations of God, and He doesn't make mistakes!  Ephesians 2:10 tells us we are God's masterpieces. 

The word used in Ephesians is poiēma which simply means a work of God.  It is only used one other time in the Bible and that is in Romans 1:20 when talking about creation.  He saved the best of creation for last.  Now don't let it go to your head, but don't forget that God knows what He is doing either. 

Self-deprecation is full of "I" statements, very self-focused.  "I am not good enough", "I am to fat", "I don't speak well enough" etc.  Unlike humility, self-deprecation is often used to avoid responsibility, and therein lies the problem!  When we begin to use our weaknesses to avoid doing the work of the Lord we have wandered over that line between self-deprecation and humility.  Look at how God responded to Moses talk:

"Who gave man his mouth?  Who makes him deaf or mute?  Who gives him sight or makes him blind?  Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:11-12).

God knows us intimately (Psalm 139:1-5), we do not need to tell him of where we fall short.  But remember what we said yesterday, He delights in using the weak so that He can receive the glory that is rightfully His.  Do not allow your thoughts to prevent you from stepping up when He calls you to His side. 

Lord, help us to recognize our weaknesses and keep us from pride, but also help us not to swing the pedulum to far the other way towards self-deprecation.  Help us to see ourselves as You do and to recognize that we truly can do all things through You.  In Jesus name, amen.

Day 7- Taming the Boasting Tongue

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.

~Proverbs 27:2

At some point you have done it.  You may even feel justified in it, after all, if you don't point out what you have done (and done so well we might add) who is going to notice and give you credit?  Or even worse *gasp* someone else might take credit for your work!  And yet we are told to keep quiet about it.  Why?

Let us first look at 1 Corinthians 4:7, "What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it? "  We have nothing except what God has given us, not our house, our car, our clothes, our money, even our appearance.  All have been gifts of God.  Even our salvation isn't our own doing, but a gift of God (Ephesians 2:8).  When we make the mistake of thinking that we have somehow earned these things on our own we need to check ourselves.  We are tools of God.  Isaiah 10:15 reminds us of this when it says, "Shall the axe boast over him who hews with it, or the saw magnify itself against him who wields it? As if a rod should wield him who lifts it, or as if a staff should lift him who is not wood!"  Without Him we could not accomplish our works.  He gives us our possessions as well at the ability to do the works that we do to "earn" them here.  Given that this is true, what do we have to boast about ourselves in?

2 Corinthians 11:30 tells us to boast of things that show our weaknesses if we must boast.  Why? Because God especially chooses to work through the weak so that He rightfully gets the glory.  1 Corinthians 1:27,29 tells us, "God purposely chose ... what the world considers weak in order to put powerful men to shame.  As a result, no one can brag in God’s presence." (God's Word Translation)  When we accept that everything we have comes from God that only leaves us one thing to boast about...God.  To boast of our own works is like telling those around us that we painted a great work of art because we had the priviledge of owning it for a time. 

Matthew 6:1 reminds us, "When you do good deeds, don’t try to show off. If you do, you won’t get a reward from your Father in heaven" (CEV).  You see, it isn't about us.  Our actions and deeds here shouldn't be drawing attention to what we do or have, but about pointing the way to the one who blesses us with these things.  Even if no one on this Earth ever notices what we have done with our lives, in our weaknesses, you can be assured that our Father in heaven does, and he is pleased when we do them out of love to serve Him.  So don't try to draw the attention to yourself, it credit must be assigned, let others assign it to you, and you can give the glory to God.  After all, that is where it rightfully belongs!

Father, help us today to overcome our pride by remembering that EVERYTHING we have, everything we do, everything we are is only because of You.  Help us to close our mouths when we attempt to claim the glory for the things that You have done through us.  I want to point the way to You.  I thank you for all that you have given to me, and pray that in some way I can use it to bring glory and honor to You.  In your Son's precious name I pray.

Day 6-Taming the Argumentative Tongue

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling

~Proverbs 20:3 NLT

I have to admit that for many years of my life I had an argumentative tongue.  I enjoyed what I considered debating.  You think one way so I automatically think the opposite so that we can have a discussion.  Problem is that most of those discussions ended with hurt feelings and discord.  Some destroyed friendships and others may have prevented friendships from kindling.  I came by it honest, and a lot of us do.

We grow up in homes where arguing is the norm.  Our parents don't model how to effectively handle a disagreement because they don't know how to handle it.  A few generations back children were taught that they were the center of the world. It is hard to be the center when someone else's world is clashing with yours!  Pridefully we fight to convince them that ours is better or at least more right.  The art of compromise has been lost.

Deborah Pegues says, "being argumentative is a futile use of the tongue," and I would have to agree.  Rarely do we ever successfully convert another to our side through argument.  We more often convince others of the value of our argument by demonstration of our belief rather than argument.  We are a prideful people.  We don't like to be wrong.  When you give others the opportunity to gracefully change their thoughts or opinions they are more likely to do so.  However, you need to also be open to the concept that you may be incorrect as well! 

Sometimes, "the quarreler's goal is not to add value to someone's life by showing him the error of his way".  Sometimes the goal is simply to be right, even if we are not.  This often stems from a desire to feel better or superior to the other person.  Remember that we follow one who considered himself to be a slave to all. (Mark 10:42-45)  If we are to be like him, then we are not superior to anyone.  We should be seeking only to share truth, through our actions and deeds, rather than destruction. 

Proverbs 17:14 tells us that arguing is like opening a floodgate.  Once begun it is very difficult to stop and your can't really control what comes through.  Instead we are told to drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.  Does this mean we can't disagree?  No!  But we must look at how we disagree with each other.  Lysa Terkeurst, in her book Unglued, gives us something to consider when we feel the need to argue with another:

"People  don't stand on opposing sides of the conflict scale.  People stand on one side and Satan stands on the other.  When we dump hurt [through arguing] into one another's lives, we aren't leveling the conflict scale.  We are just weighing down the people side of the scale and elevating the Satan side of the scale.  Satan loves it when we do his work for him by dumping on each other."

Have you noticed a trend yet?  Remember Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Jesus came to give life.  (John 10:10).  Life and death are in the power of the tongue.  (Proverbs 18:21)  Every time we open our mouth, the words we speak either give life or give death.  We need to guard our words (Proverbs 21:23), respond softly (Proverbs 15:1), to avoid quarreling and to show courtesy to others (Titus 3:2).  We have a BIG task before us.  But with God on our sides, all things are possible (Philippians 4:13)!!

Thank you for your blessings Lord, and for this study.  Help me to be more humble and be less argumentative.  I need you to help me to guard my words and to help me speak life rather than death.  Help me to be more concerned about relationship rather than being right.  Most of all help me to conquer pride so that the need to be right is no longer important.  I thank you for all that you do and for not giving up on me when I fail.  Thank you for helping me to stand up and try again.  In Jesus name I pray.

Day 5 - Taming the Divisive tongue

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

~Matthew 5:9 KJV

"Divide and conquer is one of Satan's most effective strategies for hindering the effectiveness of any effort undertaken by two or more people." (Deborah Pegues)  Just about any time you get a group of people together, and I hate to admit this but women especially, you can pretty much bet that at some point there is going to be some division.  God made each of us different and unique.  We aren't going to view everything the same way.  Our personalities, our gifts, our backgrounds can cause us to look at the exact same set of circumstances and see entirely different things....and that is okay.

The problem comes when either a person says something with the wrong motives and/or the receiver hears something and reads more in to it than was intended and division occurs.  When we got bold and attempted to build a tower to reach God, He didn't destroy us, He divided us.  Division hinders a task and can render it unobtainable.  Granted, some tasks should not be undertaken, as in the Tower of Babel, but many of the activities of our families and our churches are ruined due to divisive tongues.

Taming this particular tongue is a two way street.  It takes two to tango, goes the old saying.  First let us look at the speaker.  Pegues tells us that there will be times you need to speak to someone and tell them something negative.  Inevitably that will cause discord.  None of us like to hear something bad, whether it be a friend admonishing us, or finding out that someone else has been saying some hurtful things about us.  As the bearer of bad news, we need to examine our hearts before we open our mouths.  Are we telling someone the negative to help them grow?  To help them learn?  If so, continue on.  Are we giving them this news of betrayal to protect them?  If so, continue on.  Are we trying to gain favor (look at how great I am for telling you this and how awful the other person is for saying this)?  Stop and pray!  Are we trying to elevate ourselves (look at what a better Christian I am for seeing this problem in you)?  Stop and pray!  Are we causing division because we want to be in control?  Stop and pray!  You may have grown up in a home where division was the norm and it has become habit to speak divisive words.  It is time to examine yourself and ask God to help you to correct this.  Proverbs 6:19 lists a man who causes division as one of the things God hates.  He desires us to be united!  (Psalm 133:1, John 17:23, 1 Corinthians 1:10, Ephesians 4:3)

But there are two sides to this tongue, and the other is our minds.  We can be sensitive creatures, can't we.  Something said in total innocence can send us into the "what did they really mean?" tailspin.  Satan knows our weaknesses, and he will use them to his utmost advantage.  He knows how much we need unity to survive this world.  God tells us not to give up gathering together (Hebrews 10:25) because He realizes that we need encouragement to go on, and Satan knows that to divide is to conquer.  Ross Rhode, author of Viral Jesus, puts it this way, "You need each other, if nothing more, for the encouragement. Don’t stop meeting together, it isn’t good for your soul." (Read it here)  While some of the time what you hear truly is divisive and the person may mean what you think it is they mean, give them grace.  Remember we need to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).  That means that sometimes we have to let go of our own hurts and insecurities and trust that either God is working on us, or God is working on them but either way it is in His hands.  How we respond to a divisive tongue can greatly influence the outcome, and even the person with the tongue.  Simply saying, "Let me make sure I understand what you are saying..." can clear the air.  If the person's heart was true and their intentions pure you can quickly put aside any dissension that Satan may have been causing.  At the same time, by letting the person know that you have caught them in their attempt to divide you may just be the instrument God is choosing to use to work on their own heart, just be sure your motives are pure as well and you are not acting to cause division.

Let me close with Ecclesiastes 4:9-12:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

We truly need each other in this world.  Don't become an instrument of Satan's destruction.

Father, help us to stand together, looking out for each other, rather than causing division.  Help us to examine our motives before we speak and help us to set aside our preconceived notions when we hear.  Remind us that we must stand together against the evils of this world with our shields raised and not allow dissension to create gaps that the enemy can pierce.  In the name of your Son, who gave all so that we can stand together before you, I pray.

Day 4 - The Hasty Tongue

Do you see a (wo)man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
~Proverbs 29:20

Admit it....at at least one point in your life you have done it.   You opened your mouth without thinking and out spewed some not very nice words.  I had just such an incident last night at church and spoke words that I wish I could take back.  They were innocent but the words tapped into a pain that the other person was already feeling and as soon as I said them I could see the hurt that they caused.  Deborah Pegues says, "Because we can never be totally aware of all the sensitivities of others, we must depend upon the Holy Spirit to direct our speech in a way that does not tap into their pain, distress, or other negative experiences".  To do this though, we must allow Him to speak to us, which means we need slow down our tongue!

James says it best, "my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak" (James 1:19).  In a world where everything moves faster than light, this may seem impractical.  Consider this though, once spoken a word can never be erased.

Take a piece of paper and crumple it up, wad it up really well.  Now flatten it out.  See all of the creases?  That is like our words.  The words we speak cause permanent changes, good or bad, in the person we speak them too.  When we say words that are hurtful we can and should apologize and try to restore the relationship.  However, you will never be able to go back to what it was before those words were spoken.  That person will always have the creases that you spoke into their lives. 

I need God to direct my words, to set a gaurd over my lips (Psalm 141:3).  God tells us that even a fool is considered wise as long as he keeps his mouth shut!  (Proverbs 17:28) 

Lord, again I thank you for your patience.  Your word tells us that whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble and that we can not tame our tongue ourselves.  I continue to ask that you assist me and those who, like me, have set out to tame our tongues.  Help us to stop stumbling in what we say so that we may then control our whole bodies, so that we may become more pleasing to You.  In your Son's name I pray.

Taming the Manipulating Tongue

Then Delilah pouted, "How can you say you love me when you don't confide in me?  You've made fun of me three times now, and you still haven't told me what makes you so strong!"

Judges 16:15 NLT

Manipulate v. to control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfailry, or unscrupulously.  to alter (data) or present (statistics) so as to mislead.

That manipulating tongue has been getting us in trouble since the garden!  First that wiley serpent introdueces us to it and we decide to run with it.  Eve influenced Adam to eat the forbidden fruit also.  Sarah convinced Abraham to take Hagar and produce an heir (and boy did that backfire-but that's another topic!).  Jacob manipulated Esau (with some definate help from mommy, dearest!).  Laban manipulated Jacob for many years. And those are just examples from Genesis! 

Manipulation, like most sin, boils down to a simple thing, selfishness.  We want what we want no matter what.  Sarah wanted a baby so bad that rather than wait for God's timing she tried to force the issue.  Jacob wanted to be daddy's favorite and inherit everything so much that he robbed his brother.  In the long run he ended up sacrificing years of his life in servitude because of his choices.  When we only think of self in never works out well in the long run and we inevitably end up hurting someone close to us.

After all, we tend to manipulate only those who are close to us.  A stranger isn't going to trust that our deception is true.  We first have to have an emotional connection to a person in order to manipulate them, which makes this such a heinous sin.  I say this not with a finger pointing at you, but pointing at us.  I too have been guilty of manipulation.

So what does manipulation look like?  It can be in the form of a threat - if you don't do what I want you to then I won't give you something you want in return.  Let's be honest here, an area that we tend to really shine (in a not so good way) is the sexual manipulation.  We are warned not to withhold sexual relations with our spouse without mutual consent (1 Corinthians 7:5).  We are also told not to let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26).  God knows we are going to have disagreements, but he also knows the damage that can be caused in a marriage if we withhold ourselves from each other due to anger.  Don't let this form of manipulation destroy what God has joined together!

Another form of manipulation is guilt - if you really loved me you would.  Or even better, I have done so much for you, why can't you do this little thing for me?  You are telling that person that your wants and desires are more important that them.  When we proclaim that we follow Christ, that we chose to be Christ-like, we proclaim that we are no longer first.  Jesus came to serve others, not to be served (Mark 10:44-45).  We are told to be as a slave.  How many slaves do you know that put their own wants and desires above that of their masters?  I couldn't think of even one.

I totally get the desire to manipulate.  It tends to come from a desire to control.  We want to be large and in charge!  But here is what I discovered.....that need to be in control comes from fear and insecurity.  *gasp*  Me?  Afraid?  I didn't think so, but upon closer examination and a real heart check I have to agree.  When I struggle to control it is often because I am not trusting God.  (seems to be a pattern in this tongue thing doesn't it?)  I am not trusting God to handle that particular situation or to handle my relationship with that particular person.  By manipulating I am in effect saying that I am confident that I can handle the person or situation better than God can.  Problem is, I can't see the big picture.  I can not work all things for good as God can. 

Pegues says, "we never read of Jesus manipulating anybody.  He always offered everyone a better way of life but accepted their decision to pursue another option even when it was not in their best interest."  Jesus allows us to make our own choices, even if they break His heart and He knows that it will hurt us.  "Manipulation is deceptive and attempts to take away a person's freewill choice." (Pegues)  If the God of the universe won't attempt to force us to his will, why do we think it is okay for us to do it to others?

Decide today to trust God and to stop trying to rob others of their freewill. 

Father, thank you for again extending grace.  Help us to turn from our ways and to find that narrow path that leads to You.  Strengthen us as we attempt to become more like You and be less worldly.  Open our eyes and our hearts to the damage that our tongue causes us and those around us.  In your precious Son's name I pray.

Day 2 - The Flattering Tongue

These people---flatter others to get favors in return.

~Jude 1:16 NLT

We have all been exposed to one form of flattery or another.  The advertiser that tells you that women with great fashion sense and a talent for saving money shop at their store.  Or the carsalesman that tells you that you were made for that expensive sports car, or the child who tells you that you are the best mom ever right before they ask for $20 to go to the movies.  Flattery is one of those things that has become ingrained in American culture. 

To be honest, it wasn't on my list of things to be concerned about when it came to taming my tongue, but Pegues places it here on day 2.  How much harm can really be accomplished through flattery?  After all, it us usually said to make someone feel better, and besides that most people don't even really fall for it. 

A study done in Hong Kong at the University of Science and Technology discovered that while most people consciously dismiss these sugar coated words, they often sink in and sub-consciously affect our actions.  This means that our little white lies change how a person behaves.  Again, you may think that since flattery is positive there is no harm in it.  Pegues suggests otherwise.

Pegues tells us that we are especially vulnerable to flattery when we are allowing Satan's lies to sway us.  When we are insecure, feel overlooked or unappreciated, etc.  When we flatter people we are feeding Satan's lies.  Thoughts quickly go from feeling overlooked to something along the lines of "well at least _______ appreciates me," when in reality you have lied to them to gain something for yourself.  All lies are eventually discovered, if not by the person lied to then we must remember that God always knows what has been said. 

Flattery is excessive and insincere praise, especially that given to further one's own interests.  Given that definition it should definitely be on our list of things to tame since it is simply an outgrowth of selfishness.  Philippians 2:3 instructs us to do nothing out of selfishness, but to consider others better than ourselves.  Are we really considering them better than us if we think so little of them that we lie to them?  I think not.  James 3:16 warns us that where we have envy and selfish ambitions we will find disorder and every evil practice.  Flattery opens that door.

Pegues also tells us that "engaging in flattery is clear evidence of one's lack of faith in God's ability to give him favor with other people".  God grants us favor, it is a benefit of walking with God.  By seeking to gain dishonest favor from others it is as if we are saying, "God, I don't trust that you are going to look out for me in this relationship, so I am going to pave my own way into their good graces."  Who knows how many relationships we may have damaged as a result, or how many opportunities we may have had to serve God had we allowed Him to lead.

Psalm 12:3 tells us just how much God dislikes flattery, "The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips..."  Not a fate that I desire.

So today, think before you let that compliment slip from your tongue, is it sincere or are you trying to gain something? 

Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy, especially when it comes to our tongues.  We to often let it lead us rather than the other way around.  Help us to move beyond our selfish desires and to learn to trust you to provide all that we need.  Help us to trust in the favor that You give rather than attempt to create our own.  Most of all, Abba, I thank you that you do not give up on us, that you are quick to forgive when we ask for it.  I thank you for being willing to make the ultimate sacrifice so that we may have that gift.  Help us Lord to remember what you gave.  Fill us with your Spirit and help us to allow him to take the driver's seat.  In the name of your Son I pray.

Taming the Lying Tongue

The LORD destests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.

Proverbs 12:22

Admit it, you have told a lie at some point in your life.  From the little white lie that you thought was innocent to the big ole whopper that you told to keep from looking bad.  a UMass study done in 2002 discovered that in a normal everyday 10 minute conversation at least 2 our of 3 people tell at least one lie.  Most don't even realize how much they are lying!  So why do we lie?

More often than not it boils down to self-esteem.  Men tend to lie to make themselves look or feel better, while women tend to lie to make the other person feel better.  But you already know that don't you?  Pegues says that lying comes in four primary forms:  deceitfulness, half-truths, exaggerations, and flattery.  In my mind it all comes down to self-esteem.  We all want to look good, we all want to feel loved, and we want to feel as if we are important.  So what is so wrong with a little white lie if it doesn't hurt anyone?

First, the obvious answer...God hates lies.  It goes completely against His nature.  Titus 1:2 tells us that God doesn't lie.  In the NKJ version it says God CANNOT lie.  We were created in His image so it has to grieve His heart to see us do something so contrary to who He is.  God hates lying so much that we are told "All liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).  Lying can cause us to be eternally separated from God.  I don't know about you, but that alone makes me want to tame my tongue when it comes to lying!

Then there is the harm we do to others by lying.  It creates false impressions.  That little white lie (Yes, that dress looks good on you!), while told to make someone feel better actually can damage relationships.  What happens when the truth is told by someone else.  Trust is lost.  The person you lied to feels as if you don't value them enough to tell them truth, or worse they feel like you intentionally attempted to humiliate them or make them look silly.  Don't think they will ever find out?  You may be right, but do you really want a relationship built on lies?  Are you really showing that person you love and care for them if you can't be honest with them? 

Lying also hurts us.  It is as if we are saying, "I don't think that you will think I am good enough, so I am going to make myself appear better and not give you a chance to think poorly of me".  Problem is that most of us tend to not be very good liars (remember we weren't created to be liars at all!).  Over time we get our half-truths, exaggerations, white lies, and whoppers confused.  Others start to realize that we aren't the person we pretend to be.  So rather than people learning about the unique, wonderful, awesome person God created each of us to be, we introduce them to the lie that Satan has convinced us we must be in order to be valued.  After all, we are fearfully and wonderfully made and God's works are all wonderful, that includes you and me.  (Psalm 139:14)  Why do we think we need to improve upon what God has created us to be?  When we lie to improve our own or other's opinions of ourselves it is as if we are saying that God didn't do a good enough job. 

God knows every word we will utter before it ever leaves our mouth.  (Psalm 139:4)  Today let us chose to honor Him by chosing to be honest.  That doesn't mean saying hurtful things to others, after all we are told that our words are for building up and encouraging our brothers and sisters  (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Ephesians 4:29).  It also doesn't mean keeping quiet either.  2 Timothy tells us that Scripture is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training (3:16).  In other words, if you have to do these things, be sure you can back it up with God's Word, and do it in love.  Love covers a multitude of sins. And if all else fails, don't speak!

Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue ~Psalm 120:2

My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness.  all the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse ~Proverbs 8:7-8

Today Lord, I thank you for the mercy and forgiveness that you extend to me through Your Son.  Forgive me for the lies I have told, forgive me for grieving You.  Help me to tame this tongue of mine.  Help me to trust that I don't need to lie to appear better than I am because You have created me, and your creations are wonderful.  Help me to lean on Your Word when speaking to others, to use truth in all situations, to trust that by doing this I honor You.  In Your Son's name I pray. 

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue

photo source

Beginning Monday, September 24, 2012  I am going to be studying 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue: What You Say (and Don't Say) Will Improve Your Relationships and sharing my thoughts with YOU. 

Admittedly, this is an area that I really struggle with.  I would venture to say that it isn't just me either.  This is one of the BIG topics in the Bible.  Why else would we be told that the power of life and death is in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and that our words will both justify and condemn us (Matthew 12:37) and that when we stand before God we will give an account of EVERY careless word we have spoken (12:36)!  Those little things that slip off my tongue before my mind can catch them matter.  They matter to those I speak to, they matter to those I speak about and they matter to God the Father. 

So won't you join me?  I would love for you to share your thoughts as we embark upon this journey.  I would love to pray for you and I hope that my own experiences encourage you. 

Blessings!
Ginny

heart check

How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?  ~ John 5:44

Why do we do what we do?  For those of us who strive to be Christ-like or response is often, 'to please God".  But is it always?  Think about it...

God knows that there are those who claim to love Him and appear to be following him, but in the end....well not so much.  Luke 6:46 tells us that there are those who call out His name but in the day to day grind they go their own way, do their own thing, rather than obey His commands.  They are more concerned with looking good to others than seeking God's glory.

1 Corinthians 10:31 tells us to do everything (whatever we do) to the glory of God.  What we do in the day to day matters, and it should matter to us that it be done to give God the glory.  Matthew 5:16 tells us that what we do is not only a way for us to give God glory, but it allows others to see our actions so that they may give glory to God also.  We don't seek glory for ourselves, but so that it goes to the One who gave us the talents, the gifts, the abilities that we have.  For without God we can do nothing.  (John 15:5)  If we can do nothing without Him, why do we seek the glory for our actions from others?

Remember, man may look at the outward appearance of things, they may look at our actions and believe that we are sold out for Jesus, but God knows our heart and that is where the truth lies.  Take a few minutes today and examine your heart.  The good news is that God loves us unconditionally, and that He is willing to forgive and wipe it all away, we need only acknowledge and ask. 

If you knew....

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water."  ~John 4:10

If you knew.  I look at my teenage children and have often thought that.  If only you knew how your choices are impacting your future.  If only you knew that your decision to remain stubborn rather than to humble yourself was only hurting you.  If only you knew how your words said in anger affected those around you.  If only you knew that this heartache would pass, and that God has a truly special person out there for you.  The teen years are hard.

But I wonder how many times Jesus says to me, "If only you knew"?  His word tells us that He has so many gifts for us.  He offers the gift of hope (Jeremiah 29:11), the gift of rest (Mathew 11:28-29), the gift of peace (Proverbs 1:33, John 14:27), the gift of strength (Isaiah 40:29-31), and the gift of supplying for our needs (Philippians 4:19).  The best gift of all is the gift of eternal life with Him (Romans 6:23).  And yet so many of us don't ask for, and as a result don't receive, these gifts.  

Jesus points out that the woman didn't know the gifts that God was offering.  We don't have that excuse.  Everything He offers is spelled out for us in His Word, including how to accept the gifts.  Isn't it time we quit trying to quench our thirst with something that isn't lasting and start quenching it with something that is?