Day 17 - The Tactless Tongue

Let your conversation be gracious and effective so that you will have the right answer for everyone.  ~Colossians 4:6 NLT

 

Open mouth, insert foot.  You have been there haven't you?  That time that you were chatting with a friend and just talking away when the next thing you knew out slipped a few words that could have been phrased better, or shouldn't have been said at all.  You know those words hurt the person you were talking to, whether they embarrassed them or opened up an old wound.  You just didn't realize what you were saying until it was to late. 

And therein lies the problem, we didn't realize what we were saying.  We were lax in taking every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5) and before we knew it, it was to late.  To be tactless is to be marked by a lack of the keen sense of what to do or say to maintain good relations with others or to avoid offense.  Lacking tact ruins relationships if left unchecked and unaddressed.  After all, who wants to hang out with the gal who is always telling you (or others) the thing you don't want to hear?

Now that isn't to say that being honest is being tactless.  But it is possible to be honest without being brutally so.  I am often instructing my children that it is possible to say the same thing in many ways.  You can tell someone that you disklike their clothes by saying, "eww!  That looks awful on you!" which would fall into honest but tactless.  Or you can say, "that's a good color for you, but the style doesn't flatter you as much as it could."  Both convey the same sentiment, it's not a good outfit, but one builds up and the other tears down. 

Today let's try a little harder to avoid offense.  You don't need to be a doormat, but you don't have to be brutal either.  Let's think before we speak so that we can keep our feet out of our mouths. 

 



Day 16 - The Harsh Tongue

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

~Proverbs 15:1

 

Have you ever squirted to much toothpaste onto your toothbrush? 

 

It happens.  When it does, do you put it back into the tube?  No?  Why not?  Not an easy task is it? 

Our words are like the toothpaste, once they are out you can't put them back.  Good, bad and in between they are now out there to help or hurt others.  While Ephesians 4:29 tells us that our words should be helpful to others and should encourage and build them up, those aren't always the words we choose.

I am currently participating in an online study with Melissa Taylor.  We are studying Lysa Terkeurst's book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions which talks about the labels we are given in our lifetime.  The labels that tend to be the most difficult to shed are those that are given to us from a harsh tongue.  As Lysa says, "Labels are awful.  They imprison us in categories that are hard to escape."  Notice that she says they are "hard" and not "impossible" to escape.  We know all things are possible with God!  My point, however, is that not only can a harsh word stir up anger, but it can also inflict lasting wounds on others.  Wounds that can destroy self-esteem, that can build barriers - both in the relationship and in spiritual growth. 

The good news is that we always have a choice in the words we use, we just need to be wise enough to exercise self control.  Not an easy thing to do, I know!  Lysa describes it as "the external expression of our relationship with God.  Restraint is the seed of this fruit  It's the internal experience of living with Christ and really applying His truths to my life."  Our choice to give a gentle answer when everything in us may be screaming to give a harsh one is a reflection of our relationship with Jesus.  It is allowing the Holy Spirit to lead rather than our flesh.  You see, "the one who holds their tongue is the one who holds the power".  Not the I'm in charge power, but the Spirit power.  Remember the verse that says life and death is in the tongue?  (Proverbs 18:21)  Choosing to hold your tongue is a choice that gives life.  That is power! 

So stop giving the enemy the power by choosing words of death, harsh words.  They can do so much more than just stir up anger.  Instead, choose to give life, to turn away wrath, to allow the Spirit to lead. 

Father, this is an area I especially struggle with.  Help me to choose to speak gentle words full of life to those around me.  To stop exploding harsh words and inciting anger in those I love.  In Jesus name.
 

Day 15 - The Know-it-All Tongue

Wise people don't make a show of their knowledge.  ~Proverbs 12:23 NLT

 





You know the type, the person that knows ALL about whatever the topic is, and isn't afraid to tell you about it!  Are you that person?  I admit I have a tendency to be like this.  I know why, and what part of my past it comes from, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.

A know-it-all tends to dominate a conversation, making it difficult for others to contribute.  You never know what insights you are missing out on because you feel it necessary to share all you know.  Pegues was given the advice once, "We know you're smart, but don't know everything.  Let {someone else} know some things sometimes".  While this advice was given to her regarding her husband, it applies in all relationships. 

There are lessons to be learned in the journey, and when you provide the answers without the journey others miss those lessons.  One of the reasons that I love and value my father-in-law so much is because of a promise he made me when I got married.  He promised to never give advice unless I asked for it.  He has been married much longer than I have.   He has helped to raise five children, and he has experience much life has to offer.  In short, he is full on knowledge.  However, he allows me to walk my own path, to share my experiences with him and to refrain from being a know-it-all.  Because of this he has a special place in my life.  I know that should I desire advice he is only a phone call away and he will give it...when asked.

And that is what I believe the above verse tells us.  We don't need to pretend we don't have knowledge.  Those who are wise tend to develop the reputation of being so.  What the wise person does is refrain from making a show of it, from spouting off about all he or she knows every chance they get.  Proverbs 10:19 tells us that "when words are many, sin is not absent".  By being a know-it-all we are feeding the sin of pride.  Our verse continues, "but he who holds his tongue is wise". 

Father God, help me to hold my tongue so that others may learn.  Help me to remember that true wisdom comes from You, and that I gain more wisdom by listening than by talking.  Thank you for the gift of family you have given to me.  I pray to be a blessing to others as I have been blessed.  In your Son's name I pray.

Day 14 - The Cynical Tongue

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.  Psalm 1:1

It's neat (for me anyway) that this is today's topic.  I was just discussing cynicism with my husband last night and what it meant.  We had heard someone describe himself as a realist and had been curious about what the difference was between a realist and a cynic.  Simple answer, a realist sees things as they are, not so much as right or wrong it just simply is.  A cynic, however, sees the negative in just about everything.  Their life is Murphy's Law.

Pegues points to Eliab (David's older brother) as an example of a cynic (see 1 Samuel 17:28-29).  He seems to have a history of expecting the worst of David.  The problem is, people have a tendency to live up (or down) to our expectations.  If we expect the worst from them, quite often that is what we get.

So how do we tame the cynical tongue?  Stop focusing on the errors of others and start focusing on Jesus.  People are going to mess up, they are going to let you down at some point or another.  Their motives aren't always pure, but Jesus won't mess up.  He won't let you down.  His motives are crystal clear.  He loves you and wants you to spend eternity with Him.  Period.  You have to trust that He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Lord, help me to move past questioning others sincerity and goodness in their actions or deeds and move closer to seeing them the way that You do.  Help me to change my heart and as a result change my tongue.

Day 13 - the belittling tongue

Do not let any unwholesome talke come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

~Ephesians 4:29

 

 

belittle: v. to cause (a person or thing) to seem little or less, to disparage

 

Pegues begins this topic in her book with a simple question, "Do people feel better about themselves after spending time with you?"  She challenges us to combat the belittling tongue by choosing to do the opposite and become a cheerleader for others.

I'll be honest, I don't always feel like putting on the cheerleading uniform.  Sometimes I just want to take a moment and make myself feel better.  Sometimes that means I may disparage or belittle someone else in the process.  I'm not proud of it, but it's true.  The problem is that we aren't here on this world to feel better about ourselves but to point the way the the One who can heal all hurts and pains.  It's hard to point to Jesus when I am pointing out the not so great things in others. 

We are told to encourage each other, both in Ephesians 4:29 and in 1 Thessalonians 5:11.  Not just to encourage each other but to build each other up.  Kind of hard to build someone up if I am to busy tearing them down.  Pegues uses a hammer as an example.  It is a tool that can be used to create beautiful things.  At the same time, that same tool can tear those beautiful things apart.  Our tongue is much the same way.  Today focus on what you say, and on building rather than destroying, making others feel more than rather than less than.

 

Father, thank you for your Word, you book of instructions, and your unfailing love.  Help us Lord to use this tongue of ours to build others up rather than tear them down.  Help us to point the way to You with our words and our actions.  In your Son's name I pray.

Day 12 - The Betraying Tongue

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. 
~Proverbs 11:13

Betrayal, just the word causes me to shudder.  There is little that hurts worse than to have someone close to you betray you.  David describes this pain in Psalm 55.  When a friend turns against us, the wounds inflicted are far worse than the same acts done by an enemy.

 The very definition of betrayal (to disclose in violation of a confidence) implies a trust or bond with the betrayer.  To betray a confidence is to destroy a friendship.  Is it worth it?  C.S. Lewis said, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”  We are told in Proverbs 17:17 that a friend loves at all times.  Friendship is priceless.  There are many benefits we gain from friendship.

First is a sense of belonging and purpose.  God told us from the very beginning it is not good for us to be alone (Genesis 2:18).  In fact we are instructed to not neglect meeting together (Hebrews 10:25).  Being with others is obviously something that is important.

Friendships also help us to grow into a better person.  Proverbs 27:5-6,9 reminds us that our friends are expected to be honest with us, and that we should welcome that honesty.  Their words sharpen us (Proverbs 27:17).  The act of sharpening is the removal of the "extra" that keeps the instrument from being sharp.  Sharpening makes a tool more capable of doing the job it was created to do.  Our friendships do the same for us.  They help us identify the areas of our life that need to be removed so that we can be of better service to God.

Knowing that friendships are relationships that God encourages, why do we betray them for a few brief minutes of self-importance?  We are putting self first (still a common thing with this taming the tongue thing isn't it?).  Isn't that what most, if not all, sin comes down to?  We value ourselves over everything else.  It's a hard lesson to learn, to put yourself last.  But Jesus tells us that if we want to be first, that is what we have to do.  (Mark 10:44, Mark 9:35, Matthew 20:26-28)

Father, help us to guard our friendships by being trustworthy.  Thank you for the gift of friendship that you have given to us and help us to treat our friends as we would like to be treated, with love, honor and respect.  Keep us from betraying their confidences through action or deed.  Help us to better live a life that reflects you.  In Jesus name. 

Day 11 - The Meddling Tongue

Some of you are living idle lives, refusing to work and wasting time meddling in other people's business. ~2 Thessalonians 3:11 NLT

med·dle   /ˈmedl/    (verb)  Interfere in or busy oneself unduly with something that is not one's concern.

Nosey Nellie, that is what we called a meddler when I was growing up.  You know the type, always wanting to know what is going on with everyone else.  A Nosey Nellie often hides behind the guise of concern when in reality it is more curiosity and tends to stem from low self-esteem.  Proverbs 26:17 compares a meddler with a person grabbing a dog by its ears.  It doesn't ever end well!

A meddler might think they can "help" solve the problems of others, but more often than not the meddler causes more problems.  They often only know part of the story and as a result can not really offer informed assistance.  A meddler may be more interested in cozy-ing up to the person they are "helping", seeking approval or higher status rather than truly helping.  In the end it really isn't helping anyone.

You are better off to wait to be invited to the situation.  If the invitation doesn't come, then you don't need to get involved.

verses to consider:
Proverbs 20:3
1 Peter 4:15-16
1 Thessalonians 4:11

Day 10 - The Gossiping tongue

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts.

Proverbs 18:8

Today's tongue is closely related to yesterday's.  Both have to do with spreading rumors of others, while slander tends to focus more on defamation, gossip is a much wider topic.  Gossip is simply spreading stories, idle talk about others.  It is interesting to me that God goes out of His way to make sure that we understand just how horrible these things are when He places them in the same category as murder or hating God (Romans 1:28-32).

To truly understand gossip we must look at the heart, because there is where the problem lies.  You see, we can talk honestly about a person and it not be gossip.  If we are truly concerned and are seeking help, sharing a situation is not gossiping.  For instance you know for a fact of an action that a friend has made that is harmful.  You aren't sure how to approach them so you go to a trusted elder or pastor and seek advice with the true intent of helping your friend.  This is not gossip.  In the same situation though, when you begin to tell the ladies group what is going on, just so they know how to prayer, and your friend's friends, just so they are aware of the situation, you may have crossed into gossiping.  Proverbs 16:28 tells us that a gossip separates friends.  What purpose is served in telling so many people what is going on other than to separate friends?

If you have been told something in confidence, keep it in confidence.  The only exception to this is if the secret is a dangerous one that will cause harm to another.  When a person entrusts you with something personal, whether they have asked you to keep it secret or not, it is always best to err on the side of caution and keep the confidence.  Proverbs 11:13 tells us that betraying a confidence is a mark of a gossiper.

Below are 5 steps to help stop gossip, and it begins, and ends, with you!

1.  Examine your words carefully.   Are your words those that build others up, or those that tear them down?  How would you feel if someone were saying these words about you?

2.  Filter what you hear.  Don't allow others to gossip to you.  If you don't hear the gossip to begin with you are less likely to pass it on.  

3.  Call an ace an ace.  When someone does begin to gossip to you, call them on it.  Often times we don't realize that the things we are saying are gossip.  By telling your friends that you do not want to participate, you may be helping them to address a problem as well.

4.  Assume the best, forget the worst.  If everyone assumed the best in each other, there would be no room for gossip anymore.  

5.  Let it end with you.  If you do overhear that juicy bit of information, be the one who chooses not to pass it on.  A rumor can't survive if no one is feeding it!

Father, help us to be strong and to stand up and do what is right rather than follow the crowd.  Help us to stop hurting others with our words and to start encouraging each other, building each other up, helping each other in this world.  Help us to see that it is difficult enough to fight against the flesh without each other making it more difficult.  Help each of us to be an instrument of change, an instrument that shows each other the same grace You show us.  Thank you for Your grace, forgiveness and most of all for the sacrifice you made so that we can come into a real relationship with you!  In Jesus name I pray.

Day 9 - The Slandering Tongue

To hide hatred is to be a liar; to slander isto be a fool. ~Proverbs 10:18 NLT

 

Slander:  is an accusation maliciously uttered, with the purpose or effect of damaging the reputation of another. As a rule it is a false charge (compare Mt 5:11); but it may be a truth circulated insidiously and with a hostile purpose (e.g. Dan 3:8, "brought accusation against,") 

(Definition from the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia)

 

It surrounds us.  Stand in a grocery aisle and you will see numerous tabloids that get rich from false accusations or rumors with little truth to them.  Watch the news and you will often see a onesided story presented in such a way as to make someone out to be a bad guy.  And during this time of political elections it is on commercial after commercial in which one candidate disparages another's actions, beliefs, etc.  Slander is a part of our society, and has been since before biblical times.  What is it about slander that we find so appealing?

 

It makes us feel better about ourself by making someone else out to be less than we are.  After all, if we are better than the Joneses then we must be doing something right, right?  And there is the problem, the yardstick we tend to us.  You see, it doesn't matter who on this earth we think we are better than, the truth is we will always fall short on our own in God's eyes.  ALL have sinned.  Yes, my sin is probably different than yours, but it is just as bad.  James 2:10 tells us that by commiting one sin, you are in effect committing them all.  No sin is worse than another.  Using that yardstick, slander becomes a useless tool.  When we talk about Larry cheating on his wife and how awful that is, in God's eyes that is no worse than our slanderous tongue!

Matthew 7:1-5 reminds us that before we start focusing on another's issues, we first need to deal with our own. I don't know about you, but I know that I have enough planks in my own eye to keep me busy!  1 Peter 2:1 tells us to put away slander, Mark 7:20-23 calls slander an evil things and reminds us that it comes from our hearts.  And isn't that where all of the problems of taming the tongue come from?  Our hearts?  The tongue is just an outward expression of what is inside of us. I for one don't want all of this ugly inside of me.  I want to clean it out and give the Holy Spirit a beautiful place to dwell!

Father God, help me today to examine my heart and to sweep out my insecurities, my judgements, my desire to protect myself by bringing harm to others.  Fill me with the Spirit and let Him guide my heart so that my tongue will follow.  Help me to choose words that build others up, that support your kingdom, rather than words of destruction. In your Son's name I pray.

Day 8 - The Self-Deprecating Tongue

Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant, I am slow of speech and tongue."  Exodus 4:10

In the book, Pegues describes self-deprication as "when you think or speak of yourself as being of little or no worth and thereby minimize the value of what you 'bring to the table' or have to offer...often disquised as humility'".  It is important for us to remember that we are creations of God, and He doesn't make mistakes!  Ephesians 2:10 tells us we are God's masterpieces. 

The word used in Ephesians is poiēma which simply means a work of God.  It is only used one other time in the Bible and that is in Romans 1:20 when talking about creation.  He saved the best of creation for last.  Now don't let it go to your head, but don't forget that God knows what He is doing either. 

Self-deprecation is full of "I" statements, very self-focused.  "I am not good enough", "I am to fat", "I don't speak well enough" etc.  Unlike humility, self-deprecation is often used to avoid responsibility, and therein lies the problem!  When we begin to use our weaknesses to avoid doing the work of the Lord we have wandered over that line between self-deprecation and humility.  Look at how God responded to Moses talk:

"Who gave man his mouth?  Who makes him deaf or mute?  Who gives him sight or makes him blind?  Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:11-12).

God knows us intimately (Psalm 139:1-5), we do not need to tell him of where we fall short.  But remember what we said yesterday, He delights in using the weak so that He can receive the glory that is rightfully His.  Do not allow your thoughts to prevent you from stepping up when He calls you to His side. 

Lord, help us to recognize our weaknesses and keep us from pride, but also help us not to swing the pedulum to far the other way towards self-deprecation.  Help us to see ourselves as You do and to recognize that we truly can do all things through You.  In Jesus name, amen.

Day 7- Taming the Boasting Tongue

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.

~Proverbs 27:2

At some point you have done it.  You may even feel justified in it, after all, if you don't point out what you have done (and done so well we might add) who is going to notice and give you credit?  Or even worse *gasp* someone else might take credit for your work!  And yet we are told to keep quiet about it.  Why?

Let us first look at 1 Corinthians 4:7, "What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it? "  We have nothing except what God has given us, not our house, our car, our clothes, our money, even our appearance.  All have been gifts of God.  Even our salvation isn't our own doing, but a gift of God (Ephesians 2:8).  When we make the mistake of thinking that we have somehow earned these things on our own we need to check ourselves.  We are tools of God.  Isaiah 10:15 reminds us of this when it says, "Shall the axe boast over him who hews with it, or the saw magnify itself against him who wields it? As if a rod should wield him who lifts it, or as if a staff should lift him who is not wood!"  Without Him we could not accomplish our works.  He gives us our possessions as well at the ability to do the works that we do to "earn" them here.  Given that this is true, what do we have to boast about ourselves in?

2 Corinthians 11:30 tells us to boast of things that show our weaknesses if we must boast.  Why? Because God especially chooses to work through the weak so that He rightfully gets the glory.  1 Corinthians 1:27,29 tells us, "God purposely chose ... what the world considers weak in order to put powerful men to shame.  As a result, no one can brag in God’s presence." (God's Word Translation)  When we accept that everything we have comes from God that only leaves us one thing to boast about...God.  To boast of our own works is like telling those around us that we painted a great work of art because we had the priviledge of owning it for a time. 

Matthew 6:1 reminds us, "When you do good deeds, don’t try to show off. If you do, you won’t get a reward from your Father in heaven" (CEV).  You see, it isn't about us.  Our actions and deeds here shouldn't be drawing attention to what we do or have, but about pointing the way to the one who blesses us with these things.  Even if no one on this Earth ever notices what we have done with our lives, in our weaknesses, you can be assured that our Father in heaven does, and he is pleased when we do them out of love to serve Him.  So don't try to draw the attention to yourself, it credit must be assigned, let others assign it to you, and you can give the glory to God.  After all, that is where it rightfully belongs!

Father, help us today to overcome our pride by remembering that EVERYTHING we have, everything we do, everything we are is only because of You.  Help us to close our mouths when we attempt to claim the glory for the things that You have done through us.  I want to point the way to You.  I thank you for all that you have given to me, and pray that in some way I can use it to bring glory and honor to You.  In your Son's precious name I pray.

Day 6-Taming the Argumentative Tongue

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling

~Proverbs 20:3 NLT

I have to admit that for many years of my life I had an argumentative tongue.  I enjoyed what I considered debating.  You think one way so I automatically think the opposite so that we can have a discussion.  Problem is that most of those discussions ended with hurt feelings and discord.  Some destroyed friendships and others may have prevented friendships from kindling.  I came by it honest, and a lot of us do.

We grow up in homes where arguing is the norm.  Our parents don't model how to effectively handle a disagreement because they don't know how to handle it.  A few generations back children were taught that they were the center of the world. It is hard to be the center when someone else's world is clashing with yours!  Pridefully we fight to convince them that ours is better or at least more right.  The art of compromise has been lost.

Deborah Pegues says, "being argumentative is a futile use of the tongue," and I would have to agree.  Rarely do we ever successfully convert another to our side through argument.  We more often convince others of the value of our argument by demonstration of our belief rather than argument.  We are a prideful people.  We don't like to be wrong.  When you give others the opportunity to gracefully change their thoughts or opinions they are more likely to do so.  However, you need to also be open to the concept that you may be incorrect as well! 

Sometimes, "the quarreler's goal is not to add value to someone's life by showing him the error of his way".  Sometimes the goal is simply to be right, even if we are not.  This often stems from a desire to feel better or superior to the other person.  Remember that we follow one who considered himself to be a slave to all. (Mark 10:42-45)  If we are to be like him, then we are not superior to anyone.  We should be seeking only to share truth, through our actions and deeds, rather than destruction. 

Proverbs 17:14 tells us that arguing is like opening a floodgate.  Once begun it is very difficult to stop and your can't really control what comes through.  Instead we are told to drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.  Does this mean we can't disagree?  No!  But we must look at how we disagree with each other.  Lysa Terkeurst, in her book Unglued, gives us something to consider when we feel the need to argue with another:

"People  don't stand on opposing sides of the conflict scale.  People stand on one side and Satan stands on the other.  When we dump hurt [through arguing] into one another's lives, we aren't leveling the conflict scale.  We are just weighing down the people side of the scale and elevating the Satan side of the scale.  Satan loves it when we do his work for him by dumping on each other."

Have you noticed a trend yet?  Remember Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Jesus came to give life.  (John 10:10).  Life and death are in the power of the tongue.  (Proverbs 18:21)  Every time we open our mouth, the words we speak either give life or give death.  We need to guard our words (Proverbs 21:23), respond softly (Proverbs 15:1), to avoid quarreling and to show courtesy to others (Titus 3:2).  We have a BIG task before us.  But with God on our sides, all things are possible (Philippians 4:13)!!

Thank you for your blessings Lord, and for this study.  Help me to be more humble and be less argumentative.  I need you to help me to guard my words and to help me speak life rather than death.  Help me to be more concerned about relationship rather than being right.  Most of all help me to conquer pride so that the need to be right is no longer important.  I thank you for all that you do and for not giving up on me when I fail.  Thank you for helping me to stand up and try again.  In Jesus name I pray.