Day 6-Taming the Argumentative Tongue

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling

~Proverbs 20:3 NLT

I have to admit that for many years of my life I had an argumentative tongue.  I enjoyed what I considered debating.  You think one way so I automatically think the opposite so that we can have a discussion.  Problem is that most of those discussions ended with hurt feelings and discord.  Some destroyed friendships and others may have prevented friendships from kindling.  I came by it honest, and a lot of us do.

We grow up in homes where arguing is the norm.  Our parents don't model how to effectively handle a disagreement because they don't know how to handle it.  A few generations back children were taught that they were the center of the world. It is hard to be the center when someone else's world is clashing with yours!  Pridefully we fight to convince them that ours is better or at least more right.  The art of compromise has been lost.

Deborah Pegues says, "being argumentative is a futile use of the tongue," and I would have to agree.  Rarely do we ever successfully convert another to our side through argument.  We more often convince others of the value of our argument by demonstration of our belief rather than argument.  We are a prideful people.  We don't like to be wrong.  When you give others the opportunity to gracefully change their thoughts or opinions they are more likely to do so.  However, you need to also be open to the concept that you may be incorrect as well! 

Sometimes, "the quarreler's goal is not to add value to someone's life by showing him the error of his way".  Sometimes the goal is simply to be right, even if we are not.  This often stems from a desire to feel better or superior to the other person.  Remember that we follow one who considered himself to be a slave to all. (Mark 10:42-45)  If we are to be like him, then we are not superior to anyone.  We should be seeking only to share truth, through our actions and deeds, rather than destruction. 

Proverbs 17:14 tells us that arguing is like opening a floodgate.  Once begun it is very difficult to stop and your can't really control what comes through.  Instead we are told to drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.  Does this mean we can't disagree?  No!  But we must look at how we disagree with each other.  Lysa Terkeurst, in her book Unglued, gives us something to consider when we feel the need to argue with another:

"People  don't stand on opposing sides of the conflict scale.  People stand on one side and Satan stands on the other.  When we dump hurt [through arguing] into one another's lives, we aren't leveling the conflict scale.  We are just weighing down the people side of the scale and elevating the Satan side of the scale.  Satan loves it when we do his work for him by dumping on each other."

Have you noticed a trend yet?  Remember Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Jesus came to give life.  (John 10:10).  Life and death are in the power of the tongue.  (Proverbs 18:21)  Every time we open our mouth, the words we speak either give life or give death.  We need to guard our words (Proverbs 21:23), respond softly (Proverbs 15:1), to avoid quarreling and to show courtesy to others (Titus 3:2).  We have a BIG task before us.  But with God on our sides, all things are possible (Philippians 4:13)!!

Thank you for your blessings Lord, and for this study.  Help me to be more humble and be less argumentative.  I need you to help me to guard my words and to help me speak life rather than death.  Help me to be more concerned about relationship rather than being right.  Most of all help me to conquer pride so that the need to be right is no longer important.  I thank you for all that you do and for not giving up on me when I fail.  Thank you for helping me to stand up and try again.  In Jesus name I pray.